Are You Really Listening?
Here is an illustration and an example to help understand the difference between hearing and listening.
Example: A boy in 3rd grade is bullied by other kids for being stupid, as a result,
he
feels inferior.
Words spoken by another child- You are stupid
What he ‘hears’ as a response from inside- I am worthless and I should be ashamed.
Emotions that are triggered as a result of this incident -Self-doubt and self-hatred,
‘How could I be so stupid??’
The internal processing of the incident is the most important part of our listening. In similar situation one could ask the following questions:
- Do the emotions I experience result in suffering?
- If yes, how can I use logic to understand or explain the incident so that does not result in suffering?
For example, if someone calls me stupid, I could tell myself- I was called stupid because I was lacking intelligence about something, so instead of suffering from self-hatred, I can take responsibility to educate myself.
I can either take responsibility to educate myself so that I will no longer be considered stupid, or I come to an understanding that this person’s opinion is not of value to me and will not affect how I perceive myself.
Proper listening and cognition can eliminate the suffering we experience. It can not only improve communication and relationships but can also balance our view about our self, others and life events. We can feel complete and at ease.
When events in our life leave a hangover or a residue in the form of negative emotions, then we feel a certain ‘Incompletion’ or fissure inside us, and every time a similar event is repeated in life, it evokes pain, guilt, anger, fear etc. For example, if as a child you were mocked by your teacher for giving an incorrect answer, it could lead to a feeling of self-doubt and anxiety in expressing your opinions publically.
In this example, the husband has the feeling that not spending time with the kids makes him a bad father and that if he is a bad father, he should feel guilty. As a result, the father falls into guilt and suffering. It is a purely emotional response, the original issue is not resolved, and the result is suffering. Now let’s see what happens when we use listening.
This example shows that the two most important steps for us to understand and process information were missing altogether! Listening and the right cognition allows us to overcome any emotional insecurity we have AND find a solution!
